Captain Sephiroth
by The Otaku Duo
Summary: Some of the FF7 characters go on the account turn pirate! PG13 cuz all the great pirate stuff is rated PG13. OMG, I'm not dead! An actual update!
1. Chapter One: Deaf Ninjas

Author's note: If you like pirates, and have wondered what Sephiroth would be like as a pirate captain, well here's your answer! By the way, Tess Blackheart is my pirate self. Why does she have cat ears and the ability to control air? Come on! This is the world of Final Fantasy, with talking cats, 8-foot swords, and vampires with metal arms!

Rin Mushuuda, the deranged fanfic/manga-ka sat in front of her computer. "Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" blasted out of the computer's speakers (just to give you all an idea of my work conditions). As she sat playing with a suction cup, she stared at a blank screen. The blank page of Microsoft Word stared back.

"Aha! The Rabid Trio of Muse Kitties strikes back!" she cried, sticking the suction cup to her forehead. The young fanfic/manga-ka began typing. "But I think I'll call him Nanaki, cuz it's easier to capitalize," she mumbled.

"Final Fantasy Piratism" appeared on the screen.

Chapter 1: Deaf Ninjas

A large wooden ship sat in a hidden harbor. Trees framed the view as a slight breeze blew around the pure white sand. A lone figure walked out of the trees and onto the beach. The being flicked some long brown hair out of her face, as the breeze blew her leather trench coat about. Not exactly proper attire for an aspiring pirate, but oh well. She turned her yellow eyes on the ship. Her cat ears twitched.

"Ah, my beautiful ship! A marvelous day for a sail, is it not?" she said in her educated British accent. She walked towards the ship. "I think today is the day I will find a crew, my lovely _Scourge_."

She turned to the trees, and raised her hands. The wind whipped around, creating whitecaps on the waves, and several small tornadoes full of the white sand.

Suddenly, the trees shook as Sephiroth, Cloud, Nanaki, Cait Sith, Vincent, and, for some reason, 6 black Chocobos came walking out of them, looking rather lost.

"Welcome to my cove! This is my ship _Scourge_. I am the dread pirate Tess Blackheart, and you lot are my crew. Normally I would be the captain, but just for fun I am handing captaincy over to Sephiroth. On one condition. He makes me first mate, and I deal out torture and punishments," she said, looking at Sephiroth, who nodded. "Right! Now that that's settled, let's set sail!"

They all eagerly boarded the ship; curious as to what Tess was like, the punishmentstorture, and Sephiroth's skills as a pirate captain. Once they were all on board, Sephiroth placed positions.

"Well, we already know Tess is the first mate/quartermaster, so Cloud will be… slave driver!" He looked at Tess. "You do have slaves, right?"

"Yep! Shinra so… graciously… volunteered," she replied with a malicious grin. "ALL the Shinra."

"Good. Nanaki will be… hmm… lookout."

"Aye, aye, Cap'n Sephiroth, sir!" yelled Nanaki as he scurried up the mast to the crow's nest.

"Vincent will be… gunman. And Cait Sith will be… uh… the… um… hmm… just sit tight, cuz I don't know where to put you. Hey wait a minute. What's with the chocobos?"

"They're for whenever we have to go ashore."

"Smart thinking."

"You guys aren't my first crew. The first lot of stinkin' bilge-rats left. Hey! I know what to do with Cait Sith!"

"Oh? What?" Sephiroth asked, looking a mite cynical.

"Steersman."

Soon the pirate ship was under full sail and heading out to sea. Nanaki regularly walked around the perimeter of the crow's nest, to better keep an eye out for frigate and galleon ships, typically loaded with gil and Materia. If one walked by the galley, one could nearly hear Cloud's yells of "Stroke, you Shinra dogs, stroke!" Cait Sith blithely steered the massive sloop, as Tess and Sephiroth headed up to Sephiroth's quarters. Once they were inside, Sephiroth shut the door and the two of them sat at the table. They looked at a map of the Planet's seas, and compared it with a map of trade routes.

"If we go this way, we run the risk of encountering Cid Highwind and the remainder of AVALANCHE," Tess said.

"Yes, but they carry lots of materia, and one of them, a materia thief/ninja named Yuffie Kisaragi, may be of use to us," Sephiroth objected.

"But there are only six Chocobos!"

"Uh… Cloud informed me a little while ago that another black chocobo snuck on board…."

"Sigh… fine. We'll go that way."

They exited Sephiroth's cabin and approached Cait Sith.

"Cait Sith! Set a course for 42 degrees east and 90 degrees north!"

"Aye, aye, Cap'n!"

Soon they came in sight of a small, floating object. Nanaki looked at it, and hung his head over the side of the crow's nest. "Tiny Bronco off the port side, ma Capitane!" he yelled.

"Cait Sith! Get it in range of the long nines! Vincent, long nines with chain shot on the port side!"

"If I may object…" Tess said.

"Hold that thought, Vince!" Sephiroth yelled. "What?" he said, looking at Tess.

"Firing chain shot at the Tiny Bronco would be a waste of good chain shot, sir. As a plane, it has no mast. Chain shot is for the removal of a **mast **to cripple a **ship**, sir," she replied.

"Vincent! Nix the chain shot!" Sephiroth barked.

"Aye, aye Cap'n!"

Tess pulled a telescope out of her coat pocket and peered through it. "It looks like it's just Cid, Yuffie, and Aeris, Cap'n Sephiroth. Advise running up the yellow flag for sickness!"

Sephiroth looked puzzled. "Why? No one's ill."

Tess looked at him. "It's a form of deceit. Hoping they know the meaning of a yellow flag, the victim sees it, thinks we need medical help, comes to offer assistance, and then bob's your uncle we run up the Jolly Roger at the last possible moment! Then we attack! It's an old pirate trick."

Sephiroth nodded approvingly. "Hey Nanaki! You got the flags up there?"

"Yeah," Nanaki replied.

"Good! Run up the yellow one!"

Confused, but loyal to his captain, Nanaki obediently rose the yellow flag.

Meanwhile, onboard the Tiny Bronco, Cid spotted the yellow flag. He turned to Yuffie.

"Yuffie! Steer us to that ship! They need medical help!" he yelled.

"Right away!"

The tiny plane began drifting to the ship.

The crew of the _Scourge_ watched eagerly as the Tiny Bronco drifted closer and closer. The ship's long nines were cunningly disguised as portholes, and Vincent walked behind each one, making sure it was working properly. The long nines on the _Scourge _were massive air guns. As a result, they were utterly silent.

Nanaki watched the plane draw nearer and nearer from the crow's nest. He knew there would be a fight soon, so he climbed out of the crow's nest and stood next to Tess. Cloud held the sla- I mean, volunteers still, as Cait Sith did the same with the rudder. Tess whispered something in Sephiroth's ear. He looked at her disbelievingly. She nodded vigorously.

Sephiroth told Vince to tell Cloud and the slaves to hide, and then hide. The others hid; Tess in a coil of rope (it was a big rope, and she's a small pirate), Sephiroth hid behind some cannonballs, Cait Sith hid in the shadows and pretended to be turned off, and Nanaki skittered up one of the masts. It's a funny thing, but when someone is looking for you, they almost never look up.

Cid, Yuffie, and Aeris boarded the ship, and looked around.

"Why's it so… I dunno… empty?" whispered Yuffie.

"Maybe they're all dead," Aeris whispered back.

"Would you stop the f-----g whispering? That kind of s--t drives me mad!" Cid said loudly.

Tess poked her head out of the rope and looked at Sephiroth. She nodded to him. He crept out from behind the cannonballs, and she hopped out of the rope and hid behind it.

"What?" Sephiroth whispered.

"Go tell Cait Sith, Vincent, and Cloud to get out of their current hiding places and hide behind the cannonballs. Oh, and tell Cloud to keep that pointy head of his down!" she whispered back.

"What about Nanaki? And why am I taking orders from my first mate, who should be taking orders from me?"

"I can manipulate the air currents, so I'll sort of… fly up to him. Why do you think we haven't stopped moving, even when Cloud allowed the slaves a break and there was no wind? And I have more pirating experience and expertise than you."

"Ah."

Sephiroth crept off to tell them what to do. Tess floated up to Nanaki on a pillar of air and told him to get down behind the cannonballs. He nodded, and crawled down. When they were all behind the cannonballs, Sephiroth told them why they were hiding behind the cannonballs.

"They will inevitably come back by here, when they can't find us. And when they do, we ambush them! And we take Yuffie prisoner, since she's already a thief and will be useful. Cait Sith, you use your megaphone to deafen them, Cloud, you grab Yuffie, Nanaki, you push Cid into the sea, Vincent and Tess, grab Yuffie. Specifically, Tess, you grab Yuffie and hold her down, and Vincent holds her at gunpoint. I'll push Aeris into the sea. Got it? Good," he explained.

Soon the hapless trio wandered by the cannonballs. At that point, screaming and yelling fit to wake the dead, Sephiroth's crew leapt out of their spot and deftly carried out their orders. Cait Sith screamed into his megaphone at a pitch usually reserved for calling dogs, Nanaki grabbed Cid and chucked him overboard, Cloud grabbed Yuffie, passed her to Tess, who knocked her over and held her on her back as Vincent leveled his gun at the back of her head, and Sephiroth unceremoniously shoved Aeris overboard. He walked up to the ninja.

"Well, well, well, Yuffie. I see you fell into our trap," Sephiroth said.

"WHAT? YOU SAY YOU LIKE TO RAP?" she yelled.

"YOU FELL INTO OUR TRAP!"

"YUFFIE'S INTO RAP? I'M YUFFIE, AND I HATE RAP!"

Sephiroth growled. "Cloud, throw her in the brig until she gets her hearing back!"

"WHAT? PROUD OF FEARING JACK? WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT JACK, AND WHY'S HE SO FRIGHTENING?"


	2. Chapter Two: New Navigator

Despite a glaring lack of reviews, I have returned with more madness and pirate-y goodness! YATTA!! BTW, lone brave soul who reviewed (name forgotten, sumimasen!) I shall use your idea of the cameos, but you won't get them till chappie three. Sorry!

Chapter 2: New Navigator

"So, Yuffie. Have you gotten your hearing back?" Sephiroth asked as he approached the cell of the young and recently deafened ninja.

"WHAT? SOMETHING ABOUT JACK?" she yelled, either faking, or still deaf.

Sephiroth's eyes widened from intense anger and annoyance. Baring his teeth, he yelled, "HAVE YOU GOTTEN YOUR HEARING BACK YET, YOU ANNOYING, SHALLOW LITTLE WITCH? ANSWER ME PROPERLY, OR I'LL LEAD THE CREW IN A GAME OF 'DRENCH THE WENCH' INVOLVING A BARREL DRILLED FULL OF HOLES, A ROPE, AND A BOBBING BOWSPRIT!"

"Eep! Yes sir, Sephiroth, sir!" she said, cowering in a corner of her cell.

"Good," Sephiroth said, more calmly. "Cloud, release her." Cloud came forward with a set of keys and opened the cell door.

"Huh? I don't-" Yuffie began.

"It's quite simple," came Tess' voice from the shadows, where she had been leaning on the side and watching the scene with much amusement. "We're hiring you to be our navigator, since you're a materia hunter/thief. It was Sephiroth's idea," she explained. Sephiroth glanced at her as she walked up.

"May I introduce my first mate/quartermaster/self-appointed advisor, Tess Blackheart?" Sephiroth said.

"Hey! You're that b----h that held me down on the deck an hour ago!" Yuffie yelled, glaring daggers at Tess.

"Such language," Tess said, smirking, as she withdrew into the shadows. Sephiroth molly-whopped Yuffie.

"Oooww! What did I do?" she whined.

"You've been hanging around Cid Highwind for too long," he replied. "Now then. Tell us where to find rich Shinra ships. Or else, we'll have fun playing 'Drench the Wench'."

"Umm… try near Costa del Sol. President Rufus likes to take cruises there this time of year. That would be a good place to look."

Sephiroth climbed out of the brig and hollered at Cait Sith. "Cait Sith! Take us to the seas surrounding Costa del Sol!" He looked at Yuffie. "If you've led us astray…"

Yuffie vigorously shook her head.

"Well, get up there and provide Cait the bearings!" Yuffie darted up to stand next to Cait Sith and point the mechanical cat in the right way. "Nanaki! Start looking towards the north! We're looking for Rufus' ship!" yelled Sephiroth.

"Aye, aye, Cap'n!" Nanaki cried as he turned towards the north.

Sephiroth looked at Yuffie, then at Tess. "Can she be trusted?" he asked.

"I believe so. I think she's frightened of playing 'Drench the Wench'. You do know that we'd have to really be mad at her? She could drown, playing that," Tess said, looking at Sephiroth.

"Yeah, well… you know I'm just bluffing. It just worked ever so well," he said, grinning.

The massive sloop sailed on, although powered by normal wind or Tess it was hard to tell.

Around midday, Nanaki spotted something off the port bow. He frowned at it, and looked again. It looked like….

"Ship Ahoy! Off the port bow!" he yelled to Tess. She looked up from the game of Go she was playing against Sephiroth, and pulled out her telescope. She peered through it at the indistinct smudge on the otherwise clear horizon. A grin lit her features.

She used the air to put away the Go board, and told Sephiroth Rufus' ship had been spotted. Sephiroth barked out the order to go to combat positions.

"Vince! Long nines with chain shot! Cloud! Cait Sith! Hard left! Tess! Air in the portside sails! Nanaki! Keep an eye on it! Yuffie! Help Cait Sith!" Sephiroth pulled out his Masamune. Having finished her task, Tess pulled out two guns held from the side, like tonfu. Sephiroth looked at it curiously.

"I like tonfu blasters. I had them custom made," she said.

They hefted their weapons eagerly. "Are we doing the flag thing?" Sephiroth asked.

"No, not this time. I imagine they're quite familiar with that trick, even if they are Shinra," Tess explained.

On Rufus' ship, Rude spotted the strange ship. "Ship off the starboard bow, President," he said.

"Hmm…" muttered Rufus, who was petting Dark Nation.

Tess watched as the ship drew closer and closer. _Come on, you bums, come ooonn…. Yes!_

"Vincent! Aim the long nines! When they're in range, fire the chain shot at their mast!" she hollered at Vincent, who saluted.

Vincent carefully watched the ship approach, and then fired the chain shot. It made a whistling noise as it flew towards the unsuspecting Shinra.

A whistling noise greeted Reno's ears. He looked at Tseng.

"What's that sound?" they said in unison. Their questions were answered when something crashed through the mast, and it came toppling down.

"We're under fire!" Reno yelled.

On the _Scourge_, they whooped and cheered. The first shot was theirs, and Shinra took the first damage!

"What the hl was that?" Rufus yelled as he made his way to Reno, who was attempting to free Tseng's leg.

"That ship over there fired chain shot at us and took out our middle mast!" Reno said. "We can still sail, though. We have to get over there and retaliate!"

"What happened to that chain shot they fired at us?" Rufus asked.

"Right in the water."

Rufus looked over at the sloop. "Elena! Take us to that ship!"

"Ha-ha! We nailed 'em!" whooped Cloud.

"Don't be too sure. We only took out one mast. Good shot, though. We want them to come our way. If they run off, then we wasted our chain shot," Sephiroth said warningly.

"Right little ray of sunshine, aren't you?" Cloud muttered.

"They're coming this way! It looks like they're trying to ram us!" Nanaki yelled from the crow's nest.

"WHAT?!?" Tess yelled angrily. She yanked out her telescope. "Oh, st, he's right! That bow has a metal casing on it! Cait Sith and Yuffie! Hard left! Get us alongside them!"

"Charge!" Rufus yelled. They flew at the other ship. The other ship turned and tried to get next to the Shinra's ship. Soon the ships were aligned, gun-to-gun.

"Fire!" Reno yelled.

"Fire!" Tess yelled. The guns on both ships roared, as Vincent fired cannonballs alternating with chain shot to further cripple the Shinra. The Shinra only got in one or two shots, so fast was Vincent's firing. Soon the Shinra were forced to surrender. They were taken aboard the _Scourge _and tied up. Their hunk-a-junk ship was tied to the _Scourge_, for whatever reason.

Sephiroth walked in front of the Shinra. He laughed. "You try so hard to capture me, yet I end up capturing you! Now that's what you call ironic."

"Sephiroth, you b-----d!" Rufus yelled, as he struggled against the ropes. The pirates laughed.

"You aren't getting out of those ropes until we let you. Tess Blackheart tied them! No one can escape her knots!" Cait Sith cried.

"Tess Blackheart? _She's_ here? The professional? She's the most treacherous, ruthless pirate to ever sail these seas!" Reno cried.

"I'm the only pirate to sail these seas! ...I think."

"Hey! Aren't you supposed to be on our side?" Tseng asked Cait Sith.

"Not this time, bud. Piratin' is more fun than you lot!"

Sephiroth and Tess walked away as the others teased the Shinra.

"What are we going to do with them? They don't add much to the décor," Tess said.

"We could maroon them with that hunk-a-junk ship on a sandbar. As far as I know, sandbars aren't permanent; they disappear when the tide comes in. That ship is full of holes. It can't float. And I don't think any of them can swim." Sephiroth said with a malicious grin.

"Well, Rufus. We hope you enjoy your new, personal island! Sure you have to share it with those idiots, but you won't have to put up with them for long!" Sephiroth yelled cheerily from the deck of _Scourge_.

"I will have my revenge! You hear me?" Rufus yelled.

"How could we not?" said Cloud. The others snickered.

Rufus fumed at them.

"Uh, Rufus?" said Reno nervously. "The tide's coming in, I can't swim, and sandbars disappear in high tides."

"Oh, crap."

On board the _Scourge_, festivities were underway. Cloud and Yuffie consumed copious amounts of alcohol, Cait Sith bugged them all with his megaphone, Tess and Sephiroth continued their abandoned Go game, Vincent polished the guns, and Nanaki hid in the rope from Cait Sith.

"I'd say that went rather well, don't you?"

That seemed to be the general attitude. Soon the next morning though, Cloud and Yuffie had monstrous hangovers; Cait Sith had nearly lost his voice; Tess and Sephiroth, having stayed up all night to finish the Go game, were asleep on the board with chips stuck to their faces; Nanaki was stiff from sleeping in a coil of rope, and Vincent was asleep on the last gun, smelling strongly of polish.

The _Scourge_ has two rows of sails, one on each side of the mast.


	3. Chapter Three: Cameos! Did I spell that ...

A/N: Since you reviewer chappoes asked for them, I've got some Pirates of the Caribbean cameos for ya! Sorry this chapter took so long! Sumimasen! My muse was a million miles away for a while! I'll **_try _**to manage every two weeks, if that doesn't piss you all off too much or kill me muse, m'kay? ...Uh, emphasis on the "Try".

* * *

It was a few days after Rufus Shinra had been captured and left to die on a sandbar. No one was sure of his fate, and frankly no one cared.

They were all too busy being bored beyond words.

There was an annoying lack of shade on the sloop, and the wood was scorching hot. Cloud and Vincent, in a moment of desperation, had tied ropes around their waists, and jumped off the back of the ship.

They had to be hauled back up to the ship because the shock of diving into amazingly cold water paralyzed them.

Nanaki was having a particularly bad time of it. His nose was completely dry, and the sun was most cruel to him. He nearly fell out of the crow's nest when something hit him on the head. He looked at it, and immediately took it to Tess.

Far away, on a ship with the black sails in tatters, the paint peeling, and in a general state of disrepair, a chubby pirate with a balding head was being berated by his captain.

"What did you do that for, you stinkin' bilge rat? That was the eight hundred eighty-second piece of the treasure!" the captain yelled.

"Sorry, Captain Barbossa! I didn't expect the girl to throw it when I called her poppit!" the other pirate cried, cringing.

Captain Barbossa glared at the man some more. "Now we have to figure out where it went! It'll probably be another ten years of searching!"

"Sorry!"

Barbossa gave him one last look of disgust, and stomped off to his cabin.

A girl, bound and gagged, was glaring angrily at him. Her dark green eyes burned hatred at him, and she yelled something through the red cloth that had previously been her headscarf.

"Mmmph mmph mmph mmmmph!" she yelled, or tried to.

"Shut your hole, stupid girl. It's your fault that we lost the last treasure piece," Barbossa grumbled. _I wonder what she was saying?_

She growled at him. Barbossa growled back. They continued growling at each other and trying to see how much hatred the other could put into their growls until they were interrupted by someone knocking at Barbossa's door.

"What do you want?" he snapped, turning from the girl, who immediately snickered and muttered something that sounded like "I win!"

"Ship sighted off the port bow, sir!"

Barbossa jumped up, and stormed out of his cabin, Jack the monkey following close behind. Once outside, he pulled a telescope out of his coat pockets.

-

"Where did you find this, Nanaki?" Tess asked, looking the coin over.

"It hit me on the head," Nanaki said. "Told you before."

"From what direction?"

"Starboard, I think."

Tess didn't answer immediately. Instead she went to the starboard side, and pulled out her telescope. She surveyed the horizon.

"Aha!" she muttered. Nanaki looked at her quizzically. She pulled the coin out of her pocket again, and held it in her hand. Soon, a thick fog began to roll up out of nowhere, and an intense breeze began blowing. With the breeze came thick clouds, obscuring the sun.

"Hey, who turned off the sun?" Yuffie asked, coming out of whatever dark hollow the Ninja had been hiding in.

"Nanaki, find Captain Sephiroth. Yuffie, find Cait Sith, and tell him to get to that ship over there ASAP!" Tess said.

The _Black Pearl_ had just come into view.

On the _Pearl_, Barbossa was staring at the _Scourge_. He smirked. "The last piece is on that ship, men!" he yelled to the assembled pirates. The pirates cheered.

In the brig, a pirate with a wooden eye was leading the girl to an open cell. Directly across from her was Jack Sparrow.

"What are you down here for?" Jack asked.

"Chuckin' a bit of shine. One o' them stupid cursed coins," she said. Her voice was similar to Tess', though less educated, and closer to a Cockney accent. "Your name?"

"Jack Sparrow. You?"

"Sam Stryker." She put her headscarf back on, holding back her black hair.

-

On the _Scourge_, the crew was shown the ship. Cloud expressed his amazement that the ship could even sail with its sail like that.

"You don't know that ship. That ship is cursed, and my cousin is on it. She became a pirate before me, and Barbossa captured her a month ago. The only reason I became a pirate was so I could find her," Tess said. "That coin must be kept as far away from them as possible."

She turned to Cait Sith. "That zipper on the back of your mog."

"Yeah, what about it?"

She tossed the coin to him. "Stick this in there." She turned to Sephiroth. "If these guys board our ship, the only thing we can do is try to keep them away from Cait Sith. They want the coin to lift the curse."

Sephiroth nodded. "Can we knock them into the water?"

Tess shrugged. "Probably, but I don't know what good it would do. They're... like zombies. Undead, and whatnot. They can't drown, or be killed."

The crew of the _Scourge_ watched with bated breath, as they waited for their undead foes to approach. Then Sephiroth had an idea.

"Tess. How easy is it to take these guys by surprise?" he asked.

Tess shrugged again. "Dunno. Very easy, probably. They're real cocky. Why?"

"Tell everyone to hide. Like when we captured Yuffie. Your tonfu blasters are air-powered, right?"

"Yeah."

"Well, go up to the crow's nest and shoot the first one! Then we'll see what happens!"

Tess grinned evilly. She knew what would happen. General, unconstrained, unadulterated chaos. Riding up on a pillar of air, she took aim at the balding pirate Barbossa had been yelling at.

Soon the _Black Pearl_ was within firing range.

Barbossa and his crew watched the ship with apprehension.

"There's no way a ship would be sitting abandoned in the middle of the sea," Barbossa's first mate muttered.

"Unless they're hiding. Careful, men," Barbossa said.

In the crow's nest, Tess grinned. Time to twist her orders. With her blasters aimed right at the balding pirate's forehead, she fired both of them, and floated out of the crow's nest.

Behind a barrel, Sephiroth swore. "What are you doing, Tess?" he muttered.

"Long time no see, Barbossa. Just as ugly as ever," Tess shouted.

"I'm undead, not deaf, idiot!" he yelled back.

"Why are we all yelling?" asked the pirate Tess had shot, standing up.

"Cuz we feel like it!" Tess shouted back, shooting him again. She began to stall, as she began gathering the fog around her own ship. She and Barbossa continued hurling insults at each other, even after the _Scourge_ was completely hidden by the fog. Then Tess fell silent.

She floated down behind Sephiroth, who was livid.

"Tess, what the hell are you doing!" he hissed.

"You'll see," she replied, disappearing from sight in the fog. Sephiroth swore again.

Meanwhile, Tess had reappeared behind the massively confused crew of the _Pearl_, who were wondering where all their trademark fog had gone. Tess slowly floated down to the brig, pulling a hairpin out of her coat pocket. She landed softly in front of Sam's cell, and picked the lock. Holding a finger to her lips, she led Sam out and over to the _Scourge_.

As she floated up the stairs, Jack yelled, "Hey! What about me?"

Doing some swift intros between Sam and Sephiroth, she flew back to the _Pearl_, and created some mass chaos by shoving Barbossa into the water, and flying back to the _Scourge_. Sephiroth ordered Cloud to get the slaves going, and Tess sent the sloop screaming away.

There was general disarray on the _Pearl_, as a sopping wet Barbossa was hauled back onto the ship.

"Dammit!" he cursed. "I'll have both their heads!"

-

Was that worth the month-plus wait? I hope it was. Thanks to all you reviewer chappoes! But... now I need ideas. T.T My muse says he disagrees with pirates, and is going to make this difficult for me. But... when should I put Barbossa and those lot back in? Oh, and before I forget, what's a blog? Anyone know? And if you think a rap version of "Another One Bites the Dust" would be stupid, don't get the Queen greatest hits 3 CD. Cuz it's there. Please tell me what the hell a blog is! And review some of my other stories, too. I'm desperate!


	4. Chapter Four: They're Back!

Arigato for the ideas and reviews! I'd thank you all personally, with names an' stuff like some of the other authors, but I forgot your names. O Sorry! I will use the idea involving Jack the Monkey, and I suppose I'd better get Mr. Sparrow out of the brig, since a reviewer expressed concern. On with the show!

-----

Life on the _Scourge_ had, of late, become very, very loud. Since rescuing Tess' cousin Sam, Tess and Sephiroth had gotten into numerous arguments about the young pirate, Sam had discreetly spiked everyone except Tess and Sephiroth's drinks, causing numerous fights, which often caused half the noise, and Cloud and Yuffie were apt to start yelling at each other for no reason.

And of course, the Shinra slaves had an annoying tendency to sing while they rowed. It drove everyone mad, but nothing Cloud did kept them from singing as loud as they could. Tess suggested they did it on purpose. Sam, Sephiroth, Cloud, Yuffie, and Vincent chased her up the mast.

Add to that unconscionable amounts of free time and boredom, and you have a recipe for disaster.

Somehow, they had entered the warmest region of the planet's seas, and daily life on deck was sheer torture. Once, Tess tried to keep them all cool with cold breezes, but the effort was too great, and she passed out. Numerous migratory seabirds constantly plagued Nanaki, pecking his nose so badly it had to be bandaged, and the constant heat had fried Cait Sith's circuits.

And once again, they found themselves harassed by Barbossa.

Barbossa and his crew, still after the last piece, had come upon them in the dead of night, capturing them. Tess, Sephiroth, Sam, and the others spent half their time glaring at Nanaki.

"We've got to get out," Cloud said, after being poked by Vincent's claw for the fifteenth time.

"How?" Yuffie protested. "No room for you or Sephiroth to swing those great huge swords of yours. I don't think Tess can blow us out without blowing up the brig, and any materia would destroy the ship."

"And I wouldn't like that very much. Who _would_ like it if someone blew up your ship, savvy?"

The others jumped, and looked over at Jack Sparrow. He was watching them idly.

"Wotcher, Sparrow!" Sam called.

"How long you been down here?" Vincent asked.

"Forgot. I lost track of the weeks yesterday."

The crew of the _Scourge_ let out a collective moan.

"Hey, wait a minute," Cait Sith said. "If this is your ship, why is Barbossa captain?"

"I'd rather not go into that, you savvy?" Jack caught sight of Sephiroth, who hadn't spoken yet. "You're a fine piece of ass, miss. Care to join me if we ever get out?"

"I'm a guy. Screw your own ass halfway to Midgar and leave you there to rot," Sephiroth growled.

"Easy, Captain."

So the crew and Jack waited, for something to go their way. Their chance came, when, a few days later, Jack the monkey happened to come by, holding the keys to their cells.

"Monkey!" Jack said. Cloud looked up.

"Not you, moron! The real monkey!" Sephiroth grumbled. Cloud looked down again.

"Here, monkey!" Sam called. The monkey chattered, and ran over through the bars of the cell and over to Sam, who petted it on the head.

"How'd you do that?" Nanaki asked.

"I befriended the monkey the last time I was here," Sam said, still petting the monkey.

Tess took the keys, and unlocked their cell. The crew silently filed towards the stairs, when Jack called, "Hey! You forgot me again!" Tess made her way back, and freed him.

Once up on deck, Tess kept the _Pearl's _crew down by air pressure and constant tonfa blaster shots.

"Does that thing ever run out of ammo?" the fat pirate asked his friend. They were both promptly shot in the forehead.

"What are you going to do with Jack?" Barbossa asked.

"What?"

"Not you, the monkey! What are you gonna do to him?"

Sam looked at him. "Change his name and make him our mascot!"

"Nooo!"

Sephiroth and the others made it over to the _Scourge_, which Barbossa was going to use as a new ship, and untied it. They got it ready for sail, and Tess flew over to it as it sailed by. Vincent filled the _Pearl _full of holes as they passed, and that was the last they saw of Barbossa and his crew. For a month or so, at least.

Once back on track, Sephiroth and the others voted to see if Jack would stay. Five out of the nine crewmembers voted to have him stay, so stay he did. And add to the noise as well. Then they had to decide where to go next.

"How about Icicle Inn?" Cloud suggested. This suggestion was met with hearty support, as they were all sick of the heat. So they headed up to Icicle Inn.

-----

Ooo, cliffy! I'm so evil! What will happen to Sephiroth and his crew? I don't know. Suggestions? If I get a bunch, I'll keep 'em up there, and use the ideas till I run out. But don't give me ten or fifteen! I'd get overwhelmed, curl up in the corner, and make my friends go, "What did you do, Kai? She went into fetal position!" o And that two-week thing I mentioned in the last chapter? That's just in case my crack team of crackhead muses craps out on me and takes a wander through the woods. And if anyone flames me in a signed review, I will hunt you down and flame you back! Muahahaha! Flamers beware! BEWARE! poofs away, then returns If it's been two weeks plus since my last update, sorry! Lost track of the time. BEWARE! poofs away again.

-----

Aaagh! Ohmegod, I took so long! I'm so sorry! I totally forgot to update cuz I kept putting it off, then when I finally remembered to I got a new computer, and I was gonna use it, but it doesn't have Word or any thingy that recognizes, and the computer I typed this on doesn't write CDs, and the new one doesn't have a disc drive, and the one I typed this on is a total waste of space, and… Ack! Sorry! Feel free to flame me for that dreadfully long wait, I suppose I deserve it… . I just hope that this chappie was worth the wait. Nyao… (hides in a corner)


	5. Chapter Five: Snow Sillies Part 1

Ah man… it took me forever to update again… Sumimasen… Just don't expect regular updates from me… Bleah…. Oh yeah, since she said she'd kill me if I didn't do this, if you like Kingdom Hearts and you like Ansem, read Tetsuya Kitase's fics, cuz Ansem features prominently in pretty much all of 'em. She's a fangirl. Anyway, on with the show! And now, cameos of a different sort!

----

"Are you sure this is safe?"

"Of course I'm sure! I've done this loads of times!"

"Really?"

"Well… no… but… OFF YOU GO!"

A resounding scream echoed through Icicle Inn from the vicinity of the slope near the back of town. Tess and Sephiroth looked up from their snowball fight.

"What was that?" Tess said.

"I have no idea," Sephiroth said, lobbing a snowball at her. He missed, and Tess' next snowball hit him in the face. "Hey! No face shots! Red card, ref!"

Sam, playing referee, shook her head. "Nope. Sorry."

"The ref's biased!"

-

Meanwhile, Cloud and Vincent had managed to make it to the top of the slope again. Once they reached the top, Vincent dropped his snowboard and tried to strangle Cloud.

"If you do that again, you're fangirl fodder!" he yelled.

"Whaa! O-o-okay-ay-ay! J-j-just stop shaking-ing-ing me-e-e-e!" Cloud cried. An ominous rumbling noise greeted their ears. Vincent left off strangling Cloud and the two looked around.

"What's that?" Vincent said.

A giant snowball, with Jack Sparrow stuck to the front and being repeatedly rolled over, was flying towards them at an alarming rate. "Look out!" Jack yelled.

"Oh, SHIT!" Vincent and Cloud yelled, hopping back on their snowboards. They pushed off, and flew down the slope. The snowball was close behind. They whizzed down the slope, dodging around the snow-moogles and snow-chocobos. The snowball drew ever closer, and Vincent and Cloud tried desperately to outpace it. But to no avail. The snowball hit them full on, and the two of them stuck to the front.

"Hey, Jack."

"Hello, Cloud."

"Hi, Jack."

"Ahoy, Vincent."

"How's it been?"

"Pretty good, except for being stuck on a giant snowball. Yourselves?"

"Not bad, except for the whole snowball thing."

"Say, is that a drop-off?"

"Why, so it is."

"Shall we scream?"

"I'd say so."

"YAAAAAH!"

Once again, Tess looked up.

"There it was again," she said. "It sounded like a scream."

"Probably was. And for once, I'm not causing it," Sephiroth said. He chucked a snowball at Tess, and hit her shoulder.

-

A few hours later, everyone except Cloud, Vincent, and Jack Sparrow had gathered in the local inn.

"Anybody seen Cloud, Vincent, and Sparrow?" Tess asked.

"I think Cloud and Vincent were snowboarding," Cait Sith said.

"But what about Sparrow?"

"I think I saw him and Yuffie trying to make the world's biggest snowman," Nanaki said.

"The world's biggest WHAT?"

"Do you think we should find them?"

"Probably. Do we want to?"

"No, but then we'd have to recruit people to replace them. Sam, do you still have Barbossa's monkey?"

"You mean Saruma?"

"Huh?"

"I renamed him Saruma. Yeah, I still have him."

"We might be able to use him."

-

The next day, everyone was gathered around the top of the slope.

"Did they really go this way?" Yuffie said nervously.

"Where else would they have gone?" Nanaki replied.

"Well, we won't find them by standing here! Tally ho!" Tess yelled as she jumped on her snowboard and went flying down the slope.

"Wait for us!" Sephiroth cried as he followed suit. The others looked at each other, shrugged, and took off, Saruma the monkey clinging to the ends of Sam's headscarf.

As they whizzed through an area strangely empty of trees, Tess looked around. Several stumps jutted out of the snow.

"I think they went through here," she called Sephiroth, who was by now level with her. He nodded, and the two sped up. They soon came to a fork in the path. Tess took the left path, and Sephiroth followed.

"Is this the right path?" he asked.

"I think so. I saw a scrap of red cloth stuck to the snow near the start of this path," Tess replied. However, they came to another fork. This time, Tess went right, having spotted a hole in the snow that looked suspiciously like it was caused by one of Cloud's lethal hairspikes.

The long line of snowboarders, strangely resembling a truck convoy, shot down the slope, towards a drop-off. Tess leaned forward, and shot off the edge. She flew through the air, and landed smoothly below. Sephiroth also landed smoothly, sending up a massive spray of snow. Sam shot off the edge, flipped, and landed on her feet with her snowboard in her hand.

"Show-off," Sephiroth grumbled.

The others came flying off seconds later, though they had less than graceful landings, particularly Nanaki, who landed nose-first in a snowdrift. He pulled himself out and shook his head, spraying Cait Sith with snow.

"So, which way?" Yuffie said. Tess looked at her. Then she looked at Sam.

"Did you catch that cloth?" Tess asked.

"Yep," Sam said, holding it up. Saruma grabbed it, and sniffed it a few times. He chattered incoherently, and ran off in one direction.

"Follow that monkey!" Sephiroth cried. The others darted after the monkey. Soon, a trio of voices reached their ears.

"You nincompoop! I told you to go left through the warp hole, not right!"

"Well, I'm sorry, but you aren't the easiest person to understand!"

"Gawrsh, can't we just get along?"

"Hey look! A monkey!"

Sephiroth's crew rounded a turn, and felt their jaws drop.

A boy with spiky brown hair, a white duck, and a tall gangly dog were teasing Saruma. Well, the boy and the duck were arguing, and the dog was teasing Saruma.

"Uh, who are you three?" Tess asked. The dog looked up, but the duck and the boy kept arguing.

"Gawrsh, I'm Goofy," he said enthusiastically. "That there is Donald, and he's Sora."

"Huh? Someone say my name?" the boy said.

"Who're you talking to, Goofy?" the duck said. Then he spotted Sephiroth and his crew, all watching with some degree of amusement. "Who're they?"

"I'm Sephiroth. Have you seen anyone go by here?" Sephiroth said.

"No, we haven't. Although we did here some screaming over to the west," Sora said, pointing with what looked like a giant key.

"Thanks. Can we have our monkey back?" Saruma scurried away from Goofy, and climbed back up to Sam's shoulder. Sora and Donald started arguing again, and Goofy tried to placate them. Sephiroth and his crew shook their heads, and headed off to the west.

As they left, something occurred to Sora.

"Hey, didn't some of them look familiar?" he said. "I'm pretty sure I saw Yuffie, and that guy in the front kind of looked like Ansem, but I think I've seen him somewhere…. He looked like this guy I fought in the coliseum. Looks a lot like him, in fact. But that guy didn't have a wing…"

"Stop changing the subject!"

----

O.o… Yeah… Whee! Kingdom Hearts rules! I just had to do that! XD Anyway, next chapter will (hopefully) focus on Cloud, Vincent, and Mr. Sparrow. Hehehe… it's fun calling him "Mr. Sparrow." There's a Pirates world in Kingdom Hearts 2! YAYNESS! XD

On a completely different subject, I'll try to update a little quicker with the next chapter, depending. o.o;; I don't know how much writing I'll be doing. Effing school…. XP


End file.
